“This broken heart is your invitation to learn unconditional love, honey” the psychic informed me.
“What? I have to learn unconditional love by letting him go? But I want to learn it by loving and being loved by him” I pleaded.
To make matters all a thousand times worse, we were in a situation in which I had to see them together all of the time. Each time sent stabs of agony into my heart like shards of glass ripping me apart. But I noticed I had two choices: one was to close my heart, defend my vulnerability and push away the pain. The other was to breathe the pain right into my heart, hold space for it and allow the rivers of my deepest vulnerability to felt and experienced. Just keep my heart space open, no matter what.
I decided that the second option might be the route towards unconditional love.
I also noticed a huge desire to be angry with them and think negative thoughts…of course this was a from of defence lying over the top of my pain. As I was doing a Course in Miracles at the time, I was reminded to go constantly into forgiveness. Not that they were doing anything wrong, but that this was a way to keep my heart soft and let go of the attachment to angry thoughts. When anger or judgement would arise, I offered it up to Higher Consciousness and asked for it to be replaced with eyes of love, with God’s vision. Somehow it worked, I would feel a shift and an opening to love…this is what they call “a miracle”. That shift in perspective from fear-based reality to love.
So no wonder it feels as if it will kill us whenever those feelings resurface as adults. And one thing I know from teaching Tantra is that many people even avoid intimate relationships so as to avoid rejection. Others get into unhappy relationships ad stay there for years just because they are safe and secure. But here was a third option presenting itself: to feel those deep feelings and hold them for myself. To shine my own love down to my deepest fears. Self-love on a very deep level.
At the end of the few weeks in which we were all in close proximity, though I won’t deny I was relieved to get some space from the situation, I also left with a lot of peace in my heart. And a depth of tender love I had not known before. I even felt a genuine gratitude towards them and towards life. For I had spent the period in one of the deepest relationships ever….with myself. My higher, unconditionally loving, self holding my deep and fearful self. Learning a love I had never known before.
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